


The thornes on the flower

by FandomWillOvercome



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Catarina Loss Friendship, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - This World Inverted (Shadowhunters TV), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arranged Marriage, Character Death, Demonic Possession, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Established Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Family Feels, Fear of Death, Good Parent Asmodeus (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alec, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Inspired by Shadowhunters (TV), Love Letters, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Major Character Injury, Major Illness, Near Death, OTP Feels, Parabatai Bond, Protective Alec Lightwood, Season/Series 03, Shadowhunters AU Mondays, Siblings, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, Tags Are Hard, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:27:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22571725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomWillOvercome/pseuds/FandomWillOvercome
Summary: AU: When Magnus had fallen into an ill coma Alec killed himself because Magnus was going to die and he thought it was his fault, but then Magnus did wake up and he had to live without Alec.Alec turned back. He had never felt so hopeless before. So much love yet hatred building up inside him that he just wanted to see one man again. He wouldn’t care if it were for five minutes or the rest of his life, he just wanted to see him. He thought of all the times they fought about how Magnus would move on once Alec died. But they never discussed what would happen if Magnus died, would Alec be able to move on? He wanted to hear his name again, the way Magnus said it, Alexander, Alexander, Alexander, he would never allow anyone else to call him that. It was like Magnus’ special word that Alec only gave to him.OR just Angsty Alec 24/7 talking about his love for Magnus to people who don't really care, but help out anyways. 😁
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	1. Dance with me?

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came from "Malecmood" from an Instagram edit.  
> I loved the idea so much i had to write about it.

Sunlight poured through the room like an open curtain leaving a trail of radiance paving the floor of Magnus’ loft. The colour so bright and yellow you could see all the speck of dust covering most of the furniture. On one side of the apartment were huge bookshelves holding strange antiques and books Magnus had collected throughout his past centuries. On the other side was a small table fit for two and a numerous amount of paintings leaning against the wall. As well as Magnus himself, his eyes bright from the sunlight, casting a glassy brown glance to the food in front of him.

To Magnus’s surprise, the food was somewhat good, lightly buttered yet baked at the perfect temperature and the blue and black berry’s around it only made a slight splash of colour visible to the modern plate.

“Mhhm, these waffles are unbelievable, even better than your French toast.”

“I’ve been getting good, aren’t I?” Alec implied though Magnus could only make a satisfying noise as he took another bite. “I’m thinking of taking the next step,” Alec smiled lowly. “Crapes.”

“Ooh, careful now, a man can get used to this sort of treatment.”

To that, Alec smiled, as though there was a challenge in Magnus’s words.

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet.” Magnus braced himself reluctantly as Alec stood up. It wasn’t that Magnus didn’t trust Alec, in fact, he trusted Alec more than anyone he’s ever known. Though Alec was always one to continuously surprise Magnus in times he thought he wouldn’t. It was only now Magnus was able to take in Alec, his hand slowly waiting for Magnus to take it, his eyes a shade of brown that was dark enough for him to see his own reflection in them. Yet there was love and compassion in them – one of the real reasons why Magnus had fallen so head over heels for Alec when they first met was because of his eyes. As he was the sort of person that held everything so close to him that it was exposed like tattoos on his skin. His eyes were like a treasure map at first, following a typical road that you don’t expect to come across, and then all of a sudden you find the gold – the fortune of riches. And only to find out that the treasure was him, and to Magnus, that had been the biggest turn of events that he would be forever grateful for.

Snapping back into reality, Magnus couldn’t help but smile. “Care to dance?” Alec returned the gesture willingly, his hand still outstretched towards Magnus. Magnus huffed, trying his best to hold back the laugh that was building up in his chest. “What?”

Magnus waved him off, “I’m just remembering Havana,” Alec lolled his head back. “Salsa dancing at the Tropicana – I still have nightmares of you two left feet.” Alec stood warily in front of Magnus, the smug look on his face now turned into a wide variety of disappointment.

“Oh, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Mhhm,” the side of Alec’s lip shot up into a smile.

“I’ve been practising,”

“Really now?” Magnus eyed Alec’s lingering hand. “Okay,” and after a moment of hesitation, he took it.

Once Magnus was up on his feet there was a light drift of music slowly playing, one, in which, Alec had no idea was, but suspected it was one of Magnus’s favourites. Magnus circled in the middle of the living room, lightly raising his hands as the furniture moved away musically. The sight of Magnus was bewildering.

Alec made the first move graciously, and Magnus’s heart suddenly gave out a shy pang. He had been so used to Alec being clumsy and wary toward his actions, sometimes even drawing a line in the sand to mark both of their places together. So this was almost uncanny for him to be this fearless right now. Though Magnus accepted this, taking his callous, scarred hands, and moved with him. Maybe he could get used to this new side of Alec, as he was taught to be brave and witty and he was the head of the New York Institute. Maybe this was just Alec changing into the changes that were happening to his job?

The dance was moving slowly, as though their heartbeats were trying to get compatible with each other in order to fasten. Magnus didn’t mind it though, in fact, he enjoyed being close to his Shadowhunter. It was rare for anyone to open up to Magnus as he too was very closed off. And it had been a good while since he has last opened up to anyone at all, though when Alec walked into his life it was like his thick skin slowly turned thin. And throughout every bump or mistake or nightmare, they made Alec accepted him throughout it all. As though he was listening to a fairy tale the entire time. And Alec opened everything up to be with him as well. Kissed him in front of his entire family, was disowned almost straight away, and yet he wasn’t willing to lose Magnus. He fought for Downworlder rights and made the final decision to become head of the institute, and after searching all night long after Jace activated the Soul sword to find Magnus and tell him he loves him after hours of thinking he was dead. To wishing him good luck in hell. To now. Seeing Alec happily dance the day away as though they hadn’t experienced the most dramatic relationship drama ever occurred.

And Magnus hadn’t thought he would fall for Alec as much as he has now. If he was told a decade ago that he would be faithfully in love with a Shadowhunter who would love him no matter what, he would have laughed it off. As he had only met a few Shadowhunters who have loved a Downworlder so hard they’d nearly die for them. And now, Magnus can’t imagine life without Alec.

_Oh dear God, what have you done to me, Alexander?_

Alec’s hand glided behind his back as he caught Magnus, his eyes burning with much desire.

“Magnus, I do believe you’re speechless,”

Magnus hid another shy smile, jumping out from Alec’s grasp to turn him. His weight landing in Magnus’ arms instantly. “I’m a lot of things right now Alexander.”

As Alec jumped out from Magnus’s grip also, their hands met for a moment, barely grazing yet Magnus wanted to hold them though he forced himself to pull back. They made their way to the back to dancing, holding each other again, and turning, and turning, and turning, and turning. Magnus’s stomach tightened, all there was to see was a wide mix of colours and blurs of light.

“Slow down,” Magnus’s voice was nothing but a moan, but instead it made the world move faster, and Magnus dug his head into Alec's shoulder, prying the world away. For a split second he felt the weight of Alec disappear and a voice ringing in his head, he lolled back, opened his eyes and there was nothing to see but darkness.

_Alexander?_

_Magnus, stay with me._

“Magnus, stay with me.” The first thing that occurred to Alec, was the weight. There was so much weight on his shoulders already. His face a mask of fear and shock, his hands fumbling for the buttons on Magnus’ collar, pulling it down. Alec had never held Magnus so carefully, holding him as though he were more fragile than ash or a petal picked and withered from its flower. “Come on Magnus,” his voice was like a wave far from the shore. A memory of Magnus reaching up to take Alec’s hand, peppering kisses along his forehead and cheeks after he was rejected by most of the institute whispering: _It’s okay, mon petit fleur,_ you're _safe here._


	2. Lie next to me

It was cold, a feeling Alec wasn't used to anymore. The faint hammer of the machines around him buffering back into silence before rebooting again. Every so often Alec would see the reflection of himself when he looked at Magnus’ monitor, he looked drained and there was no longer a rosiness to his cheeks. His eyes were hard and focused, as though the rest of the world had shut off completely for him. He cradled his own mind, trying to push past the barrier that Alec reluctantly puts up all the time. The bad. He was hopeless trying to help Magnus, it was only when Catarina came in, forcing Alec to move as she used her magic.

What if he wasn’t there? What if Magnus collapsed and he wasn’t there to call for help? What made him collapse in the first place?

Alec grabbed Magnus’s closest hand, intertwining it with his own. It was also cold, as though all the blood in his body had been drained like a tap that was hooked to a system to God knows where using it like water and slowly sucking the life out of him.

There were so many moments Alec had shared with Magnus, he remembered the first time he had kissed him, to the first time he had announced how he loved it, rarely afraid of the answer Alec would have gotten.

“Magnus…” Alec’s voice crackled like fire. “I don’t know if you can hear me but…” Alec could only now see the small features of Magnus, the way his shoulders relaxed once he started speaking, the small grimace between his eyebrows, the thin line of his mouth, the way his eyelashes brushed his cheeks slightly. How pale he had gone… “but, I love you. And there’s nothing that can change that, I don’t have to know about all your past relationships or how many times you were in a heated argument with another Downworlder to know that you’re a good person. Or how you’d put your life on the line for one of your clients, or for anyone really.” Alec’s eyes darkened. “Because ever since I saw you, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to see you again, and if I could, what would I say? Was your interest in me gone? Or were you thinking of me too? Or was I just so obsessed with the idea of you that for days you were the only thing I thought..."

Alec had stayed in this room for hours, not baring the thought of eating something, Izzy had walked in on him murmuring numerous: _I love you’s_ , to him. Watching him take a few of the rings off his fingers and slip them on his own.

"You came into my life so unexpectedly that I had unknowingly fallen for you... and it was the best and yet most frightening decision I’ve come to." Alec's eyes hit the floor hard. "I'm a Shadowhunter most of my kind would say to get out of Downworlder business - in fact stay away from them completely - and for most of my life, I was forced away from anyone but my kind. It's made me terrified for a while that maybe I was overthinking such an insignificant part of your life that had almost depended on my own...

For a while, Maryse hid us away from Downworlders for a good portion of our lives - mine especially. I was taught Downworlders were no good, and that there wasn't any goodness in them, to begin with... I’ve met with a few Downworlders before I met you, but for the most part of it, they didn't seem to care about me, maybe a casually spit on my shoe or an insult behind my back but it never got out of hand really.

And when I met you, you were like the light at the end of my tunnel.... you didn't see Jace or Izzy - you saw me. And for a small moment, I swear to the angels that I felt myself fall. I felt myself fall for you and it took me a while to accept it, but within time, you kept asking me to see you again. And I feel so light when I’m around you now like I don’t have to act a certain way to make you happy - I can just be me. Because you're the only person that doesn’t have any expectations or limits or bounds you want me to cross. You just want me to be comfortable and limited to what we have. Because what we have is real, you make me feel things I’ve never felt before. Like it’s a normal habit now... I’m openly vulnerable and concerned and I’m finally living! I'm finally living the life I want to live... with you. Because, I love you, and there's nothing else to it that can break that. I love you; I love being able to talk about you to others, acting like you're mine and only mine. I love spending time with you, and how we create this newly element to our relationship and the more time we spend together, the more I notice myself falling for you harder and harder every time. Because that’s what you make me feel, you make me feel loved. And that’s all I’ve ever asked for.”

Catarina was a few hours late due to some risky clients at the hospital, surely Magnus would be awake by now. Walking down the now, familiar street she had walked multiple times at nights, sometimes with Magnus leaning on her shoulder, sometimes walking in silence with Robert Lightwood when he asked for help with the wounds. Sometimes even with Lucian Graymark tailed at her side.

She was still in her uniform, a dusted baby blue top with the name _Miss. C. Loss_ tattled on the side of it. With loose jeans, she wears regularly. When she walked in the institute there was pure silence, the silence broke when the door slammed behind her making her jump. She could see the shadows of figures wildly displayed on the institute's floor, but why was it so quiet? She could also sense that no magic had been used recently, maybe Magnus wasn’t up yet? Or were the wards to powerful for her to sense it?

She stammered, walking at a rarely fast pace to get to the infirmary. Only to stop as she saw two familiar faces.

“Catarina!” Isabelle, who she had known through of Alec, pattered down the empty hallway to her. “Have… have you heard anything?” the boy next to her was none other than Jace Herondale, one of the most famous Shadowhunters. Though to Cat, she didn’t see anything special about him, sure, he was somewhat nice to stare at, but she was almost certain he didn’t have the same compassion as Alec did.

The institute was dim for once, the lights had turned from white to brown in a few hours. She sighed; her eyes pulled away from Jace to Isabelle again. Her face was full of concern and hardship. Her frame was tight and open, her dressing gown pulled tightly at her shoulders yet fell with grace at her feet. She was almost surprised to see the younger Lightwoods to come to her side instead of Alec’s. He was the one with most sympathy for Magnus at this point. She looked back at Jace, his face wasn’t as stern, though at the moment, he wasn’t a face Cat would normally stare at, the bags under his eyes made him look 20 years older, you could smell that he hadn’t showered yet only put on a handful of deodorant.

“What’s up with you?” Cat asked, genuinely concerned. Jace lifted his shirt, barely showing her a rune she had no idea was.

“Parabatai,” Jace continued, “It’s what binds me and Alec together, whatever he’s feeling, I feel too.” Jace lowered his shirt, making a face at Izzy who stared at him in with a troubled look. “I can feel he’s not the same, as though he feels powerless in the situation he’s in. I can’t blame him, though it would be nice if he stopped worrying for a few hours. I can’t sleep when all I feel is sudden pangs in my chest or a sudden clawing at my skin every time he thinks he’s gonna wake up.”

Catarina made a face, “I suspect you have a special someone in your life right now?”

Jace made a puzzled look, “yes, but what does that have to do with anything–”

“Well if she was in Magnus’s situation, would you’d be the same way as Alec? Watching her every move until she woke up?”

“Of course-”

“Then don’t come whining to me that you can’t sleep because Magnus is in a state of trauma and Alec is heartbroken that he couldn’t prevent it.” Jace looked taken aback, his eyes now wide and wary. “Because I’m sure Alec wouldn’t be complaining about how he couldn’t sleep because your girlfriend is in pain.” She turned to Isabelle, “no, I haven’t heard anything so far.”

When Catarina walked into the infirmary, she was almost certain she would see a bright-faced Alec and Magnus leaning warily on him. But when she walked in, she was not greeted by that, instead, she was greeted by Alec light tracing the shape on Magnus’s lips, clasping their hands together as though it was the last string of their relationship being held. And she couldn’t blame him, it wasn’t as though he could just ask Magnus to move over and lay next to him. The impact would probably kill him.

“Alec,” Alec jumped, dropping both of his hands and wildly looking at Cat, the sound of Magnus’ arm hitting the rustic bed with _Clunk_ noise. “It’s only me.” She sounded defensive, thinking Alec couldn’t mourn for a moment as he watched Magnus fall into a deeper coma, slowly waiting for the love of his life to wake up and humble over him once more. Though Alec only made a strange noise in the back of his throat, as if to say he would have done it if anyone walked through that door.

“Did you manage to make contact with the people in the spiral labyrinth?” Alec’s voice was like metal on metal, a sort of sound people had to cover their ears from. And he did not look like Alec either, there were pink rims around his eyes – to which Catarina suspected, were tears. He was incredibly pale, and his eyes looked lost.

“Yes, I shared the test results and he agreed.” Catarina took a reluctant step forward, “Magnus’s body is rejecting Lorenzo’s magic.”

“Rejecting? What – what do you mean?”

“Think of it like a failing organ transport, each time Magnus performs a spell it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He might not be so lucky this time…. we don’t know if he’ll gain consciousness.”

“Why can’t you just… _fix_ him? Why can’t you just take Lorenzo’s magic out?” Alec’s voice was straining, his hands on the sides on Magnus’s bed, his knuckles slowly turned whiter and whiter.

“I wish it were that easy, but if Lorenzo were to take the magic back while Magnus is like this well…”

Alec turned back. He had never felt so hopeless before. So much love yet hatred building up inside him that he just wanted to see one man again. He wouldn’t care if it were for five minute or the rest of his life, he just wanted to see him, awake again. He thought of all the times they fought about how Magnus would move on once Alec died. But they never discussed what would happen if Magnus died, would Alec be able to move on? He wanted to hear his name again, the way Magnus said it, _Alexander, Alexander, Alexander_ , he would never allow anyone else to call him that. It was like Magnus’ special word that Alec only gave to him. He wanted to walk back home, to see every intricate object place where they last left it, every photo frame with their face in it. 

“He’s gonna wake up, Alec.” She didn’t know if it were a lie or not at this point. She hoped it wasn’t and not just for her sake. For everyone else’s.


	3. Spilt blood

When he awoke, he wasn’t impressed. The bags under his eyes were still there and a lot heavier than yesterday. The pangs in his chest were no long lingering, meaning Alec was probably asleep.

 _Good_. Jace thought, his eyes burning a bright blue. Next to him was Clary, curled tightly by his side, her hair was done up in two braids making her face look leaner and broad. He smiled. _God, I got lucky._ He had to admit, what Alec and Magnus are going through is heroic, to say the least. He couldn’t bear the thought of even thinking of her gone, let alone trapped in her own mind unable to help her in any way.

He did anything a brother would have done, he got up, got dressed, and headed to the infirmary.

When he arrived, he half expected the room to be dark, and cold with only the light of the monitors leading his path to Alec. But instead, he was greeted by hot gushing air hitting his face, blue lights on that made the paving of the floor reflect like a mirror. And Alec laying firmly in his arms, laying as close as he could to Magnus’ still sleeping body.

“Yes?” Jace was startled, jumping into his reflexes, but then slowed when he saw the familiar, yet unfamiliar face. His heart was stammering out of his chest, he didn’t know if he were his own or Alec’s at this point. In the pocket of her uniform, Jace could see needles sticking out every direction as she started to display them carefully on a tray. “Yes?” Catarina said again.

Jace, for once, was quiet. Examining her work as she slid her hand into her pocket and pulled out five needles, each one longer than the other.

“What are you planning?” Jace asked, his voice an octave higher.

“Excuse me?”

“I know you've known Magnus for a long, long time, but to me, he doesn’t look any different than yesterday. If anything, he looks a lot paler, maybe more tense in the shoulders but other than that, the next couple days are just going to be him… withering away.” Jace hadn’t meant it to come off rude, maybe he was just warning her for what’s to come. Her eyes panned to the two, Magnus lying on his bed, chest barely moving to breathe, to Alec, his hair barely brushing the side of Magnus’ neck. Warily both asleep.

“I don’t understand what your implying, Magnus is going to pull through this, and Alec…” She began, “he needs to be happy. Not many of your kind are even willing enough to even look another Downworlder in the eyes without hatred. Alec didn’t just go in blind-eyed; he knew what he was getting himself into when falling for Magnus. Though even after all the mistakes that they’ve made, he didn’t give up on Magnus. There are things Magnus hadn’t told anyone, about who he really was, about his family and yet he told Alec, afraid of Alec pushing him away, and now…” she looked at Jace. “Alec’s merely begging for Magnus to wake up, just to see his eyes again.”

“But, how – how is Magnus going to–”

“We don’t know,” Catarina said firmly, her tone flat and eyes focused on her work again.

“You really do like Alec, huh.”

Catarina didn’t look at him, her hands skimming for a needle and as she found it, she put it into Magnus’ arm. Jace watched her carefully, _she doesn’t like being vulnerable,_ he thought. When she pulled back, the blood in the jar was black. She dropped it, making a low panicked noise as the blood spilt on the blue pavement.

“It’s like Ichor,” Jace lunged towards it, openly curious. “Is this what all warlock’s blood looks like?”

Catarina looked down at herself, the blood splats over her newly washed uniform. She grabbed at another needle, logged it into her arm and out came fresh, hot, _red_ blood.

Her finger went to the jar in her hand, the red blood now cool to her touch. “His blood merely looked like this no more than two days ago.” She pointed a finger to the black blood on the floor, “so what is this?”


	4. What are you thinking?

Catarina raced out of the room, Jace paces behind, his face expressionless to the world around him. His eyes were no longer a bright blue, but instead, a kind of blue that oceans would be in a harmful storm.

“I thought Warlocks were supposed to have black blood, due to the demon blood that through _your_ veins.”

“Some of us do, more than others but I’ve seen Magnus hurt, hanging onto life and his clothes seeping with his own blood! I even saw his blood when he was first put into the hazardous coma, it was red and healthy but that–” her eyes blew out from her head, it wasn’t a sight Jace had seen very often. Jace had looked back on what he was taught as a kid, learning and teaching side by side with Alec, never leaving his side. And if he had left his side, it would only be for minimal things, like sleeping or showering maybe even going for walks around the institute. But this time, Jace and Alec could stand next to each other yet feel miles apart, and that’s what confused Jace the most. Parabatai weren’t supposed to feel like this, he wasn’t supposed to be observing Alec mourn for Magnus, he was supposed to be mourning with him too… but he didn’t.

He remembers spending hours standing in the training room teaching Alec how to throw a knife, or how to his stance wasn’t proper, or how his fighting skills were worse than him when he was five. Alec would get so aggravated so easily but after a couple of weeks, he would already have beaten Jace and Isabelle multiple times. And now, when they fought side by side it was fluent and almost musical like their bodies had formed into one soul that learnt each other’s techniques and movements. But what surprised Jace the most was that it was only when they were fighting that they became one, not when they would roll their eyes when Raj had spoken out loud, or when they would give the other hidden signals that the other knew immediately what they were thinking. It was only when Clary and Magnus had become such a big role in their lives that they had completely drifted apart. Jace was so focused on saving Jocelyn and Alec was so focused on his secret with Magnus that they were unaware of each other’s failure when Jocelyn had died or when Alec had kissed Magnus in his own institute.

And it wasn’t just Jace who felt it, he knew for a fact that Cat knew as well, he could feel it when they had first spoken, it wasn’t anything major as it was Alec leading on the conversation for Magnus’s sake instead of his own. But the way she had looked at Jace had been so baffling at first, but now, it was almost as though she predicted it to happen.

“How did you know?” Jace began, the words like ink on a page, almost mechanically.

“Know what?”

“That Alec and I would drift,”

“What?”

“You knew, I could feel it. I felt that you almost understood the parabatai bond better than both of us together.

Catarina gawked, _is he seriously asking me this now?_ “Don’t you think there are more important matters to be handled with?”

“Just this one question, and then I’ll do whatever you want!”

Catarina’s eyes squinted. “I had seen Magnus and Alec together; I saw how happy the two of them were. The way Alec shaped himself around Magnus as though nothing in the world could go wrong. I saw the way Magnus had looked at Alec, and the way Alec looked at Magnus, with so much compassion and affection it was practically radiating off of them. And then I saw him here, at the institute with you, a little grumpy and tired, his face a mask of disappointment as though he never wanted to be here anymore. And I kinda knew at that point that while Magnus wasn’t in his life, you were the ray of light he was hoping for, though he could never reach or catch up to you because you were always a foot in front of him. And that’s what I suspected for the most part because you could see he was just in your shadow all the time. And it may have not been your fault and all, but you could just see he was unhappy in the placement where he was. You could see that he was just ‘Jace’s shadow’ or ‘Isabelle’s Brother’ and not Alec…” She turned away, though before she could turn away fast enough Jace saw a sliver of blush rise to her cheeks. “And then Magnus appeared, and I’ve heard the story to many times to even continue what the two of them were thinking when they first met. And when he finally accepted himself and kissed Magnus in front of nearly everyone he had ever known; it was like he stepped into the light for the first time. No longer as your shadow or Isabelle’s brother, but as Alexander, a man who put his heart before his family and choose a path he wanted the most. And that was to love and choose Magnus…” Catarina turned back to face him, her face as pale as it was a few seconds ago. “And to answer your question from before: yes, I really like Alec a lot because now he’s a foot in front of you and he’s made his decision to stay with Magnus, and this only proves how strong their relationship is even if he had the opportunity of leaving and finding someone else while Magnus could still be alive he hasn’t and that’s why I think the two of them deserve the most they could ever get.” Her eyes turned dark for a moment, “though if you excuse me, I have to make a phone call.” And she slipped away into darkness.


	5. What have i done?

The room felt glassy, to transparent and easy to see the kind of person he was. He hated it yet loved it. Every turn you made was something new, the kitchen, plain and boring, to the lounge room, patted sofas and love seats built to its finest and the fur-like rug coving most of the carpet. Another turn, a small table built for two, dead flowers withered, and the petals displayed hastily on the white sheet, drawing you attention to how long they’ve been there. And then a final turn to the entrance, pictures revealing a Shadowhunter and a familiar warlock on every bookcase to the kitchen counter, lamp post, on the top of the fridge, the bedroom nightstand, in the bathroom sink, on the tv stand. You name it.

The drink in his hand tasted fowl to him now. Though the sweet music of Mozart played in the background, making his feet move a little to the sound. A moment later his phone rang, with the unknown number displayed in front of him he didn’t think much of it. Many people have favours for him to handle, it was his job. But he still had an urge to decline.

“Hello?” his voice was hoarse but gave nothing to suspicion as the line when on.

“LORENZO!” It was an unfamiliar female voice, “oh thank god!”

“Why yes, that is me.” He looked around trying to find a pen and a pad of paper lying around.

 _I swear I left it here._ He scanned his loft turning a full circle and found it lying on the couch, flipping through its context to find a blank page.

“If you’re here for me to do you a favour my schedule is tightly packed already, of course, it does depend on how much you pay–”

“Lorenzo,” the woman said again, this time more out of breath.

“Yes?”

“It’s me, Catarina, you may know me as Magnus’ friend?” she paused, hearing him inhale sharply. “Look, I know there’s no way for you to have actually known what was going to happen, but Magnus has fallen very ill due to the magic you gave him… and I’m afraid he can’t live much longer if he still has it in his system. I know I’m asking for a lot, but if you really care not only about Magnus but our kind, you would come here and help him.”

“He brought this upon himself, if he was to ask for it gone, he would have been the one to call me. Not you.” Lorenzo’s voice was harsh, this time with no curtesy or kindness.

“He would have called you,” Cat said simply, as though there was no threat in her judgement. “But he isn’t really awake anymore.” Lorenzo stayed quiet. “He’s fallen into a dramatic coma that I don’t think he can wake up from. The only way we could probably ever really see him again in peace is if you take his magic away.”

“While he’s in a state of trauma?”

“He’s practically dead Lorenzo!” Ice hit her words hard. “I have to live with it; you _can_ live with it–”

“But can the Shadowhunter?” He said flatly.

“He can’t know, he’ll end up hurting a lot of people in order to save Magnus. I’ve seen the way he fights and honestly, there may be no chance against him.”

“You saying this as though you already know he’s going to die.”

“It would be a miracle if he didn’t but, you should have seen it, Lorenzo. His blood was like demon ichor, it was not warlock as much as it was human, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I will lose every ounce of my reputation and power if he dies, Catarina. I can’t do it.”

“If he dies then you can be the hero that put him out of his misery…”

“I was the one that put him there in the first place–”

“Then get down here and be a man for once! If you put him in this pain you will most certainly get him out of it! It will hurt a lot of people to know if he dies, but I’m not expecting it to go down as history to say: ‘don’t give your magic to other warlocks or you will die like Magnus Bane,’ but instead be the hero that brought him back to life that may bring him back to life.”

Catarina most certainly didn’t expect Lorenzo to agree, she hadn’t really known what it would do to Magnus’s body if this had gone right or wrong. She had known and trusted Magnus her entire life, he wasn’t just classified as her best friend but also as family or a brother she didn’t know she needed until they met. She wasn’t going to lie to herself that when she saw Lorenzo walk through the institute doors, she was terrified of losing Magnus, she didn’t know how she would react if he did die. And if anything, she was afraid for Alec too, they had only just fallen for each other, and what if he already has to say goodbye? But at the same time what if Alec could see Magnus again, living and breathing, awake and enjoying life?

Lorenzo was walking silently beside her, as though the two of them had already sensed this was a bad idea but didn’t want to admit it. The hallway felt ten times longer and even after changing several speeds, they still felt like they were walking the same pace. She heard Lorenzo take in a shuttering breath as she opened the infirmary door. Half expecting Alec to still be asleep, she stopped dead in her tracks, Lorenzo paces behind her also seemingly stilled.

Alec rubbed his temple, clutching at one of Magnus’s hands. The rings looked two sizes too big for him now, as he hadn’t eaten anything for over a week, his skin was achingly paler than she had remembered it to be a few hours ago. And on the other hand, Alec was starting to pale a lot more too, his hair was messy with knots as it hit the collar on his shirt.

“You know, if you ever make this out alive…” even his voice seemed pale too, drained to its core as though he hasn’t drunk anything in days. “I want us to have the biggest wedding, with like, six different flavours cakes, and we could,ummm…” it was like he was searching for the words that grappled to him the most. “Isabelle could throw us a bachelor party, and everyone can be invited, or we could have a really big ceremony where Madzie can be our flower girl, Jace my best man and Cat your bride's maid.” His breath hitched, as though he was trying to hold back tears. The hand that rested on his temple slowly laid on the right side of Magnus’ cheek. “I could even give you my family ring or we could go out and pick each other’s and we can’t see them until our vowels. You can pick out the colours of the flowers and what we’re going to wear, discuss it with Cat and go sparring with her. Our vowels could be out of our favourite literature or quotes from a movie, we could have a band or Simon could sing in the background while we take our first dance as Husband and Husband. And maybe we could even reason with Lorenzo to give us our loft back – and if he says no, well maybe if we invite him it might change his mind. We could order lots of sushi and have that for dinner, you can pick where we go for our honeymoon and do all the things you ever dreamed of once you were married.” His voice seemed to of faded like he was lost in thought. “We could do all those things if you just wake up!” Alec sobbed, and she so badly wanted to hug him, to tell him what she has been telling herself. That everything will be alright.

Catarina looked back at Lorenzo who was white-faced, his eyes a little fearful of what he was planning on doing. Catarina knew she should have asked him to give up, to go back home and maybe never return. But Magnus wasn’t going anywhere either, she knew that for a fact.

“Go,” she whispered so silently that she wasn’t sure she said it out loud or not. Lorenzo stepped forward, his shadow on the pavement seemed braver than himself at this moment. He stood there for what feels like an hour, slowly ticking down of what he’s going to say or how he’s going to perform such immense power on such an ill warlock. His shoulders tighten and Catarina could sense the tension in the air, and he moved towards the Shadowhunter.

“I hope you don’t mind my intrusion,” Alec whirls, looking at Lorenzo with big eyes, his mouth slightly ajar. And then pans over to look at Cat, as though he already knows what’s going to happen without saying it. He stands, his body very thin.

She had never seen Alec like this before, his runes were fading slowly – at least the ones she could see. Alec had been so calm and collective whenever he was talking to her, and now he looked as though he were ready to explode.

“No,” His body merely covering Magnus’, shielding him from nothing but a few warlocks at the moment. “No – no you can’t! Catarina–”

His eyes never left hers, they were dark and hollow, as though someone had carved a handful of them out and thrown it onto the grown, where the black blood still stayed. “Calm down Alec–”

“You’ll kill him, you now of the risk, you’ll be seen as a murderer!” His voice was harsh, for once, like raw venom injecting itself into Lorenzo’s thoughts. “You’d be killing one of your own!”

“We don’t know that, yet. He may live Alec–”

“And what if he doesn’t?” Alec barked. Catarina stepped forward, her face a scowl. She knew what she was doing was right, she was trying to scare him, make him feel lower than her so there’s a higher chance of him saying yes. “He’s alive, but is he really living? Think about that for a moment, what would he want in this?”

“For better friends.”

The room was dead quiet, Catarina clenched her jaw so hard she thought her teeth would break. Her heart had skipped a few beats as though all her kindness had faded. And just as she were about to speak Lorenzo’s voice was composed, as though he were watching flowers blow in the wind.

“This isn’t just your decision, it’s everyone’s at this point.”

“I wouldn’t think you’ve spent the last couple nights watching as you lover wilts away right in front of you and you can do nothing about it. Or how I would like to go home but wait, I can’t, because someone took it from us.” His face was no longer the beautiful, elegant Alec Magnus had fallen for, instead, it was bitter and forward, showing a side of Alec all three of them hadn’t seen before. “And yes, I want to help Magnus, but this isn’t the way to do it, who knows what it could do to him and what if he does die, hmm, and he dies painfully and there’s nothing you can do about it?” His lashes turned wet, “I wouldn’t want that for him, he deserves better than a painful death.” He was still trying to shelter Magnus’s body as though it was his last strained of hope. He turned to look at Catarina once again, her face slightly rosy. “After everything, he’s been through, fought against, battled, and cared for, you would want him to die a peaceful death… _right_?”

Lorenzo snapped his fingers, frightfully terrified of what’s next to come. There was a hitch to Magnus’ breath as Lorenzo sucked every last inch of magic still left in him. Alec spun, instantly regretting it, Magnus’ body began to shake, moving the bed with him also. He could see the whites of his eyes as Catarina came to his side holding him down, his muscles tightened, his head flying into the back of the pillows, his back arching and his legs trembling at the foot of the bed.

Alec stood frozen as Lorenzo pushed past him to hold the other side of Magnus down. Alec’s eyes and ears had turned off for the rest of the world, only focused on Magnus and the black inked blood driving down his nose. His hands had turned into fists, his knuckles turning whiter than his already pale skin.

He hadn’t expected it to go any other way, the armour Alec had built up around himself for the past couple years had shattered, leaving a bewildered look on his face. He had told himself that he wouldn’t fond or care for love, for years he walked in darkness alone. Slowly growing older as everyone around him found someone, in fact, he was frightened of love. The number of times Isabelle had had her heart broken almost damaged Alec as much as it had with Isabelle. And so he walked a long distance alone, even without Jace as he had never forced anything upon him, he was horrified when he found out he had feelings for him. Afraid of what his reaction would be if he ever found out. And then his feelings for Magnus, as he had fallen for Magnus just as fast as he appeared in his life. And now, maybe this would be the last time he ever saw him again.

With saying that, Lorenzo looked back at Alec, his face vulnerable and petrified as he turned and ran out of the room.

_What have I done?_


	6. My Lucky Charm

Catarina remembered.

_A moment she that had happened no more than a couple months ago. A moment that sparked her memory almost instantly as Magnus’s voice rang through her head. Magnus, healthy, bright-eyed and cheeks slightly flushed as he sat crossed legged, opposite to Catarina. The faint smell of tea leaves and sandalwood wafting the very thin air._

_She remembered how strange it was for Magnus to ask her to come to his loft so unannounced, she half expected bad news to pour from his mouth. She remembered how the sun hit Magnus’ face perfectly that she could see every ounce of glitter on his eyelids, his lips slightly open and his skin looked tanner than the last time she had seen him. He looked happy, as though he had already passed the loss of one of his closes friends._

_Though she suspected it was nothing new, Magnus had lost a lot of people before – just as Catarina had. But it sometimes took Magnus weeks to see sunlight after a demise, it was bewildering towards Cat, as it had taken her everything to come here, seeing Magnus and thinking he just wanted to see how she was doing. But instead saw him lively optimistic and content that sent a shiver down her spine._

_“It’s been a while,” Magnus said smugly, taking the cup of tea to his lips before making a disgusted face at it. “How have you been?” He placed the cup on the table in front of them._

_“I could be saying the same thing, though it looks like you’ve already moved on.” The tea in her palm was burning her skin, yet she couldn’t care less. Bigger things were burning in her._

_“Catarina,” Magnus’s eyes were no longer as focused as they use to be. There were calm, as though his mind was forcing itself to think and worry about something else, something far and unreachable. “My dear, I’ve far of being fine, in fact, I’m still coming to terms of Ragnor’s death.”_

_“You don’t look harmed.”_

_Magnus sighed, lolling his on the back of the red sofa. “Ragnor wouldn’t want us to mourn over the credibility of his passing.” Magnus looked at Cat curiously, “instead he would want us to accept it, and use it to make each moment count in what little or long time we have left.” He stood up at that, fumbling with something red in his hands. “We’ve known Ragnor for a very long time, so long yet it doesn’t feel like enough. Of course, I wish it would have never happened but in a way I’m glad, it puts a new perspective on what little time we have left. It shows others that even us immortals don’t have forever to live for, so yes, I’m–”_

_“What’s that?” Catarina glared, her eyes pacing over the object Magnus was clinging to desperately. Magnus looked down, as though he hadn’t even noticed he was holding it, a flush rose on his cheeks as he placed the strange item into his pocket._

_“It has some part in the reason why I called you here,”_

_Catarina was quiet._

_“The reason why you might think I’m delusional and all for why I’m completely collected as one of our closes friends have well… you know.” Magnus glanced side to side, searching for any expression on her face. But instead found none. “I’ve recently been pardoned by everything because, well, I’ve been seeing someone.”_

_Her brows shot up, her face a mix of horror yet excitement. It had been a while since Magnus had given Cat this talk, about whom they are, showing pictures of them, describing the way they met and how he felt about it all, or how dreamy their eyes are, the way they make him smile._

_But then Cat recalled the amount of times Magnus had had his heartbroken, the number of times he would come rushing to her, tears and all, about how he opened up and then left him in the dirt, muddy and torn. A way you would leave uncooked food out for the animals around town to eat at midnight, only to find a broken, empty plate the next day._

_Magnus saw her tense, his stomach curled in a knot. It was rare for Cat to react politely to a new relationship Magnus was slowly forming into, but it was the same surprise Magnus had when he had found out she was seeing someone centuries ago. He hugged at his elbows as though he was trying to stop his insides from twisting even more._

_“Really now?” Her voice wasn’t filled with concern or anger, or anything really. It’s what Magnus would call Cat’s way of being_ catty _. The room was silent, for moments it was nothing but Magnus’s breath hitching up and up and up. “You’re awfully quiet,” Catarina observed, sipping her now, cold tea._

_“I’m afraid of what you’re going to say once I say it…”_

_“You have me intrigued now,” her eyes flashed brightly. “So, tell me Magnus, who is this secret admirer you have?” Magnus came around and sat on the red sofa again, his posture tense and slightly tired. Catarina placed her tea on the table also, her forehead furrowing. “Oh come on Magnus, you’ve always trusted me with these sorts of things. You’ve trusted my opinion and what my thoughts are and I’m almost nighty per cent right half the time.” She smiled._

_“He’s a Shadowhunter.” The words spilt out by accident, as he couldn’t keep them in any longer. And he regretted it almost instantly due to the look on her face._

_“Shadowhunter business is something we don’t get ourselves into, you know this Magnus…” her tone was soft and calming._

_“I know, I know, but –” he looked away for a second. “He’s… he’s_ different _. I can feel it Cat,”_

_“You say that every time though. You even said that with Camille, and she ended up breaking your heart–”_

_“But she was immortal when you spend so much time with one person and you’ve travelled the world with them five times and seen everything together, there’s nothing fun about it anymore. Because you’ve already seen it, and you have the rest of time to spend with them, and if you can’t tolerate with them any more than that’s when you start hating one another. Or go hooking up with a mundane or start catching feelings for others. Because you get bored so easily! Jokes become snarky comments or mean insensitive insults. That’s why it didn’t hit me as hard as others thought it would when I ended it with her because it felt as though we were already done for. But with Alexander, I feel something new, something I’ve never felt towards another person.” In the light, Cat could see his eyes battling for dominance, turning brown to gold and seconds. She had seen his real eyes so many times that it no longer bothered her – not that it ever did._

_“How long?”_

_“How long?” He repeated. “Umm, a few weeks, maybe less. I don’t know…”_

_“What do you mean you don’t know?”_

_“We weren’t together straight away, he wasn’t even out when I met him, he was in love with his best friend at the time…” Catarina blinked._

_“What?”_

_“Which was actually his brother figure now that I think of it…”_

_“What!” she cried again. “Magnus, are you sure about this, he seems a little…”_

_“Confused?”_

_“Mmhmm,”_

_“Well, he really was at that point. His sister knew instantly that he I liked him, so she was helping us along the way. Until his family asked Alec to marry, and by this time we had seen each other only a few times, and by then, Alec had already proposed to someone.” Magnus made a face, “so when he confronted it about me, I thought you know… I mean it sounded like…”_

_“He was proposing to you?”_

_Magnus flushed, “anyways, a few nights later he admitted to me that he had felt somewhat the same way but wasn’t going to risk it because he could lose everything in the process since Shadowhunters are supposed to continue bloodlines and all, they weren’t meant to have feelings for their own sex. And under the oath of the angel and how he was getting married I had expected to lose him before we even had a chance to get together.” The sun was now hidden behind a few clouds, causing the loft the turn into shadows. “So guess what I did…” he waited but Cat didn’t say anything. “I showed up at the wedding, moments before they would have already become bind to one another. And so I waited, thinking he was going to kick me out, but when he walked down to face me, he kissed me. Not only in his own institute, but in front of his entire family and members of the clave.” Cat gaped. “And so now we’ve been on a few dates and he’s given me this.”_

_He pulled the red item from his pack pocket, handing it to Catarina. As she took it, she flipped it over in her palm._

_“What is it?” she asked._

_“A charm, he brought it for me on our night in Tokyo, it brings me luck and protection.” He beamed. “I quite like it; I feel as though it grounds me.” He laughed softly. “Like a barrier to most of the bad things that have happened to me so far, maybe this will guard me onwards.”_

_“Maybe I will like him after all.”_

The world flashed in colours, yellow, blue, black, and grey. The sound of the heart rate monitor was soaring, beeping upon beeping and more beeping drilled into Catarina’s head. Like a distant echo of a ticking time boom slowly blowing up. Lorenzo’s hands sparked multiple hues of magic, wrapping around Magnus like an electrical blanket soonly sending him faster to his grave.

Catarina gawked, the life in his body was fading as Lorenzo’s skin formed into human to reptile. She hadn’t noticed how unhelpful she was, standing and staring at the sight in front of her. Her face turned callous, thrusting her hands up to stop Lorenzo’s sorcery. Her eyes were dark and heartless showing him what substantial strength she had at this moment.

“What – what are you doing?” Lorenzo spoke, his voice raw and hard.

But before she could speak, she had grabbed something out of the drawer beside her.

The Charm.

She drove the charm into the blue aroma of magic covering Magnus’s body, his body still slightly shaking but moved more elegantly, the most Magnus thing he had done in weeks.

“Like a barrier to most of the bad things that have happened to me so far, maybe this will guard me onwards.” She quoted and at that there an explosion, causing Cat’s milky skin to slowly transform into blue, liquefying her insides as though there had been something trapped inside her for a long, long time. She was thrown against the wall seeing nothing but black filling her view.

The streets of Brooklynn were no longer bristling into life. Instead, rain poured onto Alec, his dark hair clinging to his forehead, his eyes tired as he turned onto a narrow street. There was thick fog smelling of rubbish and iron, clouding most of his sight. Not that he could see anything through his watery lashes.

For once, and thank the angels for the timing, the streets were silent. Nothing but a few ladies pulling in their washing and speaking in such rough accents Alec could have sworn they were talking in their own language.

The streetlights seemed to of flickered, a faint light that gave Alec no help in the thick yet thin fog. He saw shop signs go to open to close, saw two men sitting on a bench stand up and walk deeper into the mist. Alec wanted to scream, he wanted to throw his head back into the rain and feel a calmness he normally felt in the downpour. But instead, he felt sick to his stomach, there was so much tightness in his chest that he felt like a caged bird. The caged bird he felt when he found out he was in love with Jace, or even Magnus. The way he felt when he saw Magnus at his wedding, mysterious and quirky.

But know, Alec had no idea if Magnus was even alive at this point. And it was strange to think about, you spend so many arguments on how you think immortally can be a disadvantage when dating a mortal. When you think you’re the one that’s going to die first, but it could be them, because it so easy to forget that they’re human too, they live and breathe and bleed the same way anyone else does. Except, they just have a longer countdown for the most part.

Alec turned on his heel, cool water dripped down his neck, sending a warm shiver through his spine. Without thinking, he stepped into the small store. Bookcases of wooded creatures, bottles of strange liquids and the it smelt like dirty seawater. Candles were set in every corner of the room, a mirror reflecting Alec made him stare in awe.

His eyes were baggy, his jaw was slimmer, and his cheeks were no longer round. Making him look like a living, walking skeleton. His clothes no longer fit, his jacket was dirty with mud and his skin was as white as paper. His sight looked mirrorlike to the last time he saw Magnus. Like he was already dead.

A woman walked out, her grey hair in ringlets at her shoulders, her eyes blank and dark. She looked just as skinny as Alec was, if not, even skinnier. She was short and there were burn marks on her arms, like extra sets of veins running up to her neck. Her face was furrowed, brows pushed together, her mouth in a thin line.

“Shadowhunter,” she said mockingly, her eyes ran up him. He couldn’t help but feel vulnerable, her glare like glass piercing into his skin.

“Warlock,” he pardoned, his voice small.

“I don’t suppose you came for a love potion or a way to bring back the _dead_ , eh?” Alec flinched. “Ya are,” she applaud. “I see it on ya face, like a part of you has been ripped out.”

“No,” he said simply, hoping it never came to him asking to bring back the _dead_. “I’m here for Asmodeus,”

Her eyes grew, “channelling demon royalty, that will cost ya extra.” He took something out from his pocket, the weight heavy in his loose trousers. A velvet bag appeared in his hands, “I see ya already prepared. Come on, follow me Shadowhunter.” He wasn’t ready for anything; he wasn’t sure what would happen if Asmodeus didn’t want to be awoken.

The room they stepped into was even smaller, making him feel closed yet exposed to how much he hated small spaces. He sat on the opposite side of her, the table, circular and holding a globe on a stand. The room looked a lot like Magnus’ study, and Alec remembered bringing him pancakes once, recalling how small the room was also. Magnus telling him they tasted great even knowing he burnt them a little, and Magnus hated burn food. But to him, it’s the thought that counts.

“Now, this is the prince of hell we’re talking about, so if he does not want to talk to you, then he shan’t.”

Alec looked at her, “then no coin for you.”

“That’s not how it–”

“No Asmodeus, no money.”

She sighed, finally, speaking in a fluent unknown language to Alec. And he couldn’t help but feel how fast his heart was beating.

This is Magnus’s father. He was going to meet Magnus’s father.

And to that, he was already prepared for anything he would throw at him.


	7. My pain on paper

The transformation happened fast, almost like a new skin being added to the woman. Her eyes growing smaller, her lips fuller, her hair curling up to her ears; going from grey to black in seconds. Alec stared, feeling as though his eyes could not advert his gaze anywhere else. Slowly, she was forming in Magnus’ Father. Alec had thought about what he looked like before. He wondered if Magnus had taken his Mother’s looks or if he was a spitting image of his Father. To Alec, he looked more like his Mother, though took most of his traits from Robert when becoming head of the institute.

Within seconds the woman had completely detangled herself, and he was now staring in bewilderment at familiar, piercing cat eyes. Alec had fallen for those eyes once, seeing the vulnerability Magnus placed in Alec, as he was one in only a few that were able to see them. Though now he could feel his heart pacing as he looked into such acquainted eyes with much comprehension as though he were looking at the runes of his body. So natural and normal to him now that he hadn’t thought twice of them.

Asmodeus was not what Alec had thought of when picturing Magnus’ father. He was slim, broad, his skin almost translucent in such unnatural lighting. His eyes were a different story, he could see the harshness and despise in them. He wondered if he had looked at Magnus that way too. His cheeks were flat, jaw set, his mouth was pulled in a thin line, his eyes the only colourful thing to his dark complexion.

“Alexander, Gideon Lightwood.” His voice was hoarse, almost a groan. It was daunting at first, the thought of him knowing exactly who he was sent a shiver down his spine. It made him wonder what else he knew, and how much he was willing to bet on what he would bring up when asking for help.

“You know who I am?”

“Of course, clever idea, calling on me this way.” His head perked up, his chin high and noticeably sharp.

“I wasn’t going to risk summoning a greater demon in the heart of New York.” His voice softened. “But I had to speak with you,”

“How is my son?” He said every word critically harder than the next, leaving just the right number of pauses to make Alec scowl.

“Terrible, he’s probably lying half dead, if not already, back at the institute.” Asmodeus turned, his head whirling to the side, his eyes brighter, a brightness he hadn’t seen Magnus’ eyes extend to before. And then he saw it, the faintest of expression on his face.

 _Fear_.

“You say that with no sympathy. As if you have already accepted it, though I see it on that pretty face of yours,” Asmodeus cooed. “I see terror in your eyes, you cannot hide that from me, I’ve _seen_ the way you look at him. As though he isn’t the most destructive bomb you’ve seen.”

“What do you mean?” The words seemed to of slipped out without realising. Alec had no care for how his father’s feelings were towards him, only towards Magnus.

“He is filled with emotions; he is an emotive boy. You cannot change that, though I see that you have tried to – made him tick every box off your list until you set him free. _Like the caged bird, he is_. That is why he’s a bomb because before you know it, you will say sometime that will make him explode.”

“You’re wrong,” Alec leaned forward, his eyes squinting. “We love each other, I wouldn’t just abandon him.”

“Then I’m afraid you will be the death of him.”

The next thing that came into view was Magnus, Catarina had recalled what the charm had done. The explosion made most of the monitors around him fix and shake in the room, wires flying out and screens detached lying on the pavement.

Even Magnus’ clothes were burnt on the edges, like black tar lying on the bed as half his face was covered in raven blood. Catarina gaped; her head throbbed as she found her strength to get up. Only to see Lorenzo, his body laid on the floor, his hair blown out of his pigtail, his warlock mark exposed and glimmering in the half-broken light. When Catarina looked down at herself, she was greeted by her warlock mark also. Blue inky skin covering her body, like someone had painted it perfectly.

“Magnus,” she limped towards him, her form felt like a restraint. Like someone had tied a rope around her waist and was pulling her harder and harder by every step she took. “Magnus,” she said again, running her hands over his body and shaking him slightly. “Magnus?” She had thought the charm had worked on him, sure enough, to make him conscious at least. The colour in his skin was back, his hair no longer looked messy or thin. His lips were fuller. So why hadn’t it worked?

On the left side of her was the charm, its red and orange contexts vaguely torn and shredded. The yarn frail on the burnt bedsheets, the writing on the front of it was blown open, leaving it like a pouch or small token bag now. 

She placed a shaky hand to his throat, looking for the slightest of movement. But there was none.

He was _dead_.

The room was quiet for a while, the only noise was the pelting rain on the roof. Hardening as the moment progressed. Both eyes were focused, callous, on one another. He thought he would have looked kindly on Asmodeus, after hearing so much yet so little about him, he thought of how Magnus would react, seeing him like this, so closed and unkind to his own Father. He wondered if Magnus would be disappointed or thrilled.

There was no real reason to hate him, he had done nothing wrong so far, and if he did, Alec was sure he would forgive him anyways. Maybe he was like Magnus in a way, it took him time to open up because he was afraid of losing the people he cared about. Maybe Asmodeus was afraid to lose Magnus also.

“You say you wanted to speak with me,” his voice was not manipulative nor tedious, it was gentler. Which was surprising.

“It’s Magnus,” Asmodeus rolled his eyes.

“Pity,” he frowned.

“He told me; he can never be happy again without his magic. So please,” his voice ached higher. “If you ever cared about Magnus, return what you stole.”

His thin eyebrows arched up, “what I stole?” he cocked his head, the movement like lightning in a dark night. Asmodeus’ face was angular, more defined than Magnus’. Though through subtle features, he could see the resemblance. See the same way Asmodeus moved like him, the way he would say individual words or phrases like Magnus, the way they would play with his patience was almost frighteningly similar. “My son gave me his powers willingly.” His frown deepened. It was not a fine look. “To save his _lovers_ parabatai.” He echoed a laugh. “Pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic, it was a selfless act.” His voice was stern, though his hands were shaky under the table.

“One he already regrets; immortals aren’t meant to grow wrinkled and grey.” He clicked his tongue. “In time, Magnus will come to resent you, until the bitter _end_.”

“I’m here to prevent that future,” Alec said simply, as though Asmodeus’ words didn’t harm him. In fact, they had sent a pang into his chest, a sort of fear he hadn’t expected to feel. “Magnus is helpless, I can’t do anything to prevent what will happen to him. I don’t even know if he’s alive or not. When he lost his magic, he was no longer the Magnus I knew.”

“Because you only fell for the _Magnus Bane_ , the bright and shining soul that never only lowered his light?”

“No,” Alec shook his head. “No, he – he acted differently, so different from the bright star he used to be that he begged the new high warlock for his magic.”

Asmodeus’ eyes grew, his pupils dilating substantially.

“When he used even the smallest amount of his magic, he was… he was _broken_. Like a damaged car, rendering to be fixed for years but never got repaired. I don’t know what happened the night he fell into the coma, it feels so long ago that I don’t even remember the sound of his voice.”

“And he’s in the institute, alone?” his voice was small.

“I’m not sure, the only reason why I had ever left his side was because of you, I wanted to see if you could help him. He’s been stuck in his mind for weeks now, and the last time I saw him, the high warlock was taking his magic back and Magnus–” His breath hitched. “I could feel there was no going back after that, as the light and the end of the tunnel have just switched off. And I feel so hopeless, because all of this, the whole reason he’s like this, is because of me.”

“I guess part of it is my fault also. Ever since I took Magnus’ magic, I could no longer feel him, so I had no idea what was happening, I had no way of _seeing_ him anymore.”

“Look, Asmodeus,” his voice was straining. “He has nothing, he’s no threat to you or anyone. So please–” a single tear rolled down his cheek. “Please help him.”

“Why should I? I know him well enough to know he’ll leave me for you, again.”

“He’s you’re son! For most of his life, he cannot bear to look at you any longer, because to him, it reminds him of all the bad he’s done in the world. What his Mother’s done, what he did to his stepfather, how you raised him. What he thought of when he burnt his home to the ground!” he cried. “What do you think he thinks of when he sees himself in the mirror? Or how he feels when he shows others his warlock mark?” The room was quiet, “he hates it, he hates it so much he cannot bear to look at himself with _your_ eyes. So imagine what he would think if he knew his Father was finally trying to do the one good thing in his life.”

“I have done a lot of satisfyingly good things in my life.” He groaned, “Magnus is my greatest achievement, I would not be walking the depts of hells if it weren’t for him.”

“Then make an effort and try and make things right for _him_. He’s never had a proper family; he’s never been about to proudly say he was ever in one.” Alec’s shoulders loosened. “Magnus,” He said, “he is my _world_. And if he dies, I … just please help him.” He begged again.

“There is a problem,” Asmodeus went on, “you want me to perform some dark magic, yet Magnus is still in the institute. It will be very difficult for you to get Magnus out with no witnesses.”

“Who said anything about breaking Magnus out?” Alec forced a smile.

“You say that as though it can be done.”

“Well it can, you’ve just done that.”

“A warlock did this, I cannot bare–”

“I am relying everything to you because I have faith you can bring back not only your son but the only person I have ever loved.”

Asmodeus’ sight was blurry, a haze to what was in front of him. A boy, who loved one soul so much he was willing to take his life for it. A boy who might put his faith in the wrong hands. An innocent boy who was made of sweet petals off a fragile flower being blown in harsh wind. A boy Asmodeus was willing to give a chance for.

“You cannot trust such power; it might make your body collapse and you’d be in the same state Magnus is right now.”

“I’m willing–” he begged his voice soonly draining. “As long as you wake him, that’s all that matters. I don’t care where I end up, the only thing I care about is if Magnus is awake and alive, and healthy… and _loved_.”

“Is that all you want?” The room had gone frightfully cold, but not as cold as Asmodeus’ eyes had turned. The slits had turned amber and the colour was no longer gold, yet brown. Alec nodded, as a certain tightness was in his throat that prevented him from saying anything without bursting into tears. “Then, I hope to make your wish come true.”

Asmodeus then started turned, looked at his hands, blue flames sparking and reflecting against his very pale yet tan skin. His words were unclear, but Alec knew it was a demonic language Magnus spoke of when preforming most of his magic spells. There was tension rising as Alec’s body began to mix with different feelings and shapes and forms. It wasn’t a nice feeling either, he felt pain surge through his fingertips, his toes, his elbows, he bit his lip, hoping to hide his expression to the man in front of him. But he was doubtless he made a noise at the back of his throat, a sort of noise that Magnus would react to – where he would panic and ask if he were alright, where he’d run his knuckled over his cheek to check for a fever. But Asmodeus did not react, he kept his tone calm and vibrant not really caring what the Shadowhunter was feeling.

His bones felt as though they were breaking and contracting and moving with the muscles in his arms and lower back, trying to take form into – _something_. His heart was pounding in his ears, like a drum telling him something was wrong, that he should stop the madness and chaos he was creating. But he didn’t.

The stab of pain came to his chest, and it was unlike anything he had ever felt before, the stab feeling like a bolt of electricity rising through him. Kicking the life out of his chest and he did the one thing he told himself he wouldn’t do.

He screamed.

They say you know when a loved one is dying, that the feeling is like living and breathing in a relationship you know isn’t going to work out. They say you know what pain feels like, but do you? Is pain physical or mental? Is it emotionally breaking to the point you can only scream, or is it to the point you can’t function anymore? Do you feel it every day or is that only for a handful of people that have been through the worst and actually live through it? What is driving them to the edge so much that they can’t bear the thought of living any second longer then they have to?

“Why do I feel so much pain?” He said. His lips were trembling, his body feeling so numb that his legs went under him. He felt so small, the room was filled with a group of candles and a small table. His eyes were harshly focused on nothing, his hands coming down to land on the cold cement. The drizzle of rain from an outside window that was filled with complete darkness.

He placed one of his hands on his chest, his clothes slight tore and weary, as though they had been worn for a good period of time. His heartbeat the only steady thing calming him. On the walls were tallies, millions upon millions of tallies engraved on the walls. And when he looked down, he saw the table was etched with scribbles of names and words that were incoherent to anything he had seen before. Names he knew of and names he hadn’t a doubt ever heard. And then he saw his name, it was engraved a lot bigger than the others and threw it was a line. As though he or someone else had given it bigger meaning or even had torched the idea of whatever was being planned.

Though on the table was paper, piles of it. It was old as the edges were yellow and slowly curving. And then there it was, an ink and quill lying neatly on the side, waiting to be used. And he could only oblige. He sat, and wrote for what felt like hours, he wrote whatever came to his mind, the ink spilling from the pages like dandelions blowing in the wind. And the longer he sat there the more the room was slowly filled with piles of scattered writing as he had longed to write the perfect note.

Soonly, he would be meted with his other half, it was only a matter of time before it was true


	8. Differences

There was only a slight flicker to his vision as his body burned with fire. The feeling nearly dragging him to his knees as the figure in front of him turned back into the warlock he had met earlier. His mouth was dry, and his eyes were slowly dropping with heaviness. He heard the woman speak in a low tone but couldn’t decipher anything she had actually said. When he looked down on himself his fingers were longer, tanner, his face felt tighter, like tape, holding a broken vase in place.

The room around him surged with energy, he could feel the movement of the objects around him even when they stilled. He could feel the presence of the other warlock in front of him, he could feel _magic_.

Alec understood why Magnus had relied so much on magic, as Alec’s hands began to tickle, a sensation he wasn’t use to feeling very often. Magic pulsed through him, like an extra layer of blood through his body, he felt the electrifying swell in his chest as it travelled through his body, his face, his hands, his knees. Blue flames built in front of him as he stood, his height at least two heads taller than normal.

The woman was not pleased, her face was a scowl, making her face wrinkle even more. Before Alec could react, there was a coolness in his touch, making him jump slightly in his unknown skin.

A blade.

Asmodeus brought it down within seconds of thinking, wielding the weapon as if it were an extension of his body. His skill unparalleled, his strength savage, and his blade sliced across the warlocks ribs leaving her wet with blood. Alec trying to withdraw, though failing terribly as though there was a sudden force pulling him back like the magic within his body was rejecting him…

The warlock blinked, slow to register what was happening. As the blade was driven further into her bloodied stomach.

_No!_

Alec looked up at the warlocks aghast expression, then down at the weapon in his hands, which disappeared deep into her stomach. He tried to pull back, tried to stop Asmodeus from his callused thoughts and superior strength… But it was already too late.

She was dead.

“You’ll thank me later,” Asmodeus cooed, his voice raspy and hitched. Alec was astonished, his hands covered in red blood that seeped through the cuffs of his shirt.

_You’re supposed to be helping the fellow warlocks, no killing them!_

“Oh do calm down, _Alexander_.”

 _It’s_ Alec _._

They walked forward, Alec caught a glimpse of himself – well, Asmodeus. His eyes still shining dazzlingly at the reflection, the room around him seemed to of buzzed with energy. The jars displayed on the shelves, that were now opened, and purple and green smoke slowly escaped them hitting the floor with some elegance.

The wood seemed to of aged as well, the moulds and screws slightly ajar as the smell of blood still wafted the air.

_We can’t just waltz into the institute without someone recognising something is wrong._

He sighed, “you underestimate my powers, Alexander.”

 _Alec_.

He saw Asmodeus roll his eyes. Slowly, his body started to fix again, and Alec reluctantly prepared himself for the worst, but no pain was inflicted. When he opened his eyes, he was greeted with himself, his face, the low light of sweat building onto his forehead as his body tightened and loosened in all the familiar places. He had never been so happy to see himself again.

“See,” Asmodeus went on, “no need to be afraid of magic.”

 _I was never afraid, to begin with_.

He smirked, “in some way I guess.” Heat rose to his cheeks as he felt contracted to such a small part of himself as Asmodeus controlled his entire line of sight and posture. The spell Asmodeus had cast was the same of which the older woman had put on herself as Asmodeus entered her being.

Asmodeus was walking in Alec’s body.

When they walked outside, rain-soaked them completely, washing most of the blood off their clothes and hands that it was almost impossible to realize they were in a crime scene in the first place. The streets were still if not even emptier then before. The fog had thickened, the stench of steel and old books filling the air as water-saturated itself into their socks. Puddles upon puddles filled the streets quickly as they made their way to the institute in silence.

Lights were made visible when they made their way into the centre of New York. Finally hitting grass instead of hard cement. He could feel Asmodeus’ eyes travel over Alec’s body, looking at each flaw to scar, rune to freckle. He couldn’t help but want to put his arms down, to cover his body in a blanket of water if possible.

“You’re different.” Asmodeus finally said, locking Alec’s arms at his side. Alec was puzzled. “Normally Shadowhunters would want to show off, show their substantiality to others, even if it’s a new scratch or mark.” Asmodeus calmly sauntered pass a strike of lightning that was no more than fifty feet away. “But after hearing what you just said, I can tell you’re not uncomfortable, you’re just not like any other Shadowhunter I’ve met before. You don’t like being seen like others, you like being seen as your own person. And you don’t even like people pointing you out when you’ve done something right, the same way you feel insecure when people side-eye you.”

_How…?_

“You’re very much like glass Alexander, while Magnus is more like a one-way window. Once he opens up, you’ll either leave him or you’ll never be able to forget about it. But you,” they crossed a street. “When I search through you, I can only grapple a few things, and they all have nothing to do with Magnus’ past. So either he hasn’t told you anything, or you simply choose to ignore it.”

Alec stayed quiet for a moment; he hadn’t really thought about what happened to Magnus in previous centuries for a little while.

“Why?” Asmodeus searched.

_Because it doesn’t bother me the way others may think it does, without Magnus’ past, would he really be the Magnus he is today? It doesn’t bother me because I can tell that it doesn’t bother Magnus anymore. If it bothered him, then it bothers me. But in some eyes some people are perfect. And to me, Magnus is perfect, that includes his past lives and relationships too._

“And what about his eyes?”

_He sees them differently to how I see them. To me, they're a part of who he is, and a sign of affection as I’m someone that sees them quite often therefore, he trusts me. However big or small he thinks of a secret they are; I’ve never looked at them any differently as I do with my own eyes._

“I thought I would hate you, from the moment I heard my son was getting with a Shadowhunter I almost tried to find my own way to talk sense into Magnus. Then when he came to me, asking for a favour to help your parabatai, I laughed. Shadowhunters don’t dally with Warlocks, the same way Downworlders down dally with the Nephilim. And when you summoned me, I thought this would be a good chance to try and kill you myself.” Alec felt uneasy in his stomach. “But then I noticed you aren’t just a Shadowhunter, you’re just a boy, who loves one man so much, he’s willing to change the world for him.” They stood outside the institute. “And I’m willing to help him, however, broken yours or Magnus’s soul is, I have come to terms with you, _Alec_. And I’m willing to sacrifice a lot to save the both of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> The next chapter will be up soon!


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